those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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