This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
