All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize