we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize