i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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