Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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