Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
