3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
