Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My balls are so social today.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
