When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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