My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
