6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
