My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
