just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
