Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
