just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
