What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
