if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
