So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
