If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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