you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
