On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I've blown a few things in my day
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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