I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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