pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
