You made me cry and you don't even care
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
