Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
