i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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