Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
