I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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