i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize