I wish I only lived at night.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize