He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
