so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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