um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
