If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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