; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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