I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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