I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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