just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
