First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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