Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
