Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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