Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
