So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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