take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
