the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The beer is more important than you right now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
