Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
