I just cut my nipple shaving
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
