He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't deserve a penis
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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