Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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