I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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