Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
