she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
