I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
