just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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