One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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